Letting go..

1.5 years ago in Bali, a door opened into working on women's health and healing, into my journey of holding space. My transformation journey in Bali surfaced everything I'd been suppressing, and showed me that "being a woman" was something I actually struggled with. I didn't know that. It hit my heart even harder then. My own healing was inside this path. And this path, this story, would become healing for other women too. I knew it from somewhere deep.

The last days of my 2-month trip to Bali. Turns out I'd caught some tropical illness, no idea. I feel like I'm going to faint every time I get out of bed. My wild soul wants to go get a drum, learn to play it, on my very last day, before flying back to Turkey. Then I calm down and dont go to the workshop. I cancel everything. With the last drop of my energy, I barely take myself to the plane. I am sad because I was going to learn and go spread healing. But walking to the plane, inside I am saying if I had a drum, I wouldn’t be able to even carry it.

Then arriving back home. Hard emotions keep surfacing. I'm struggling to cope. The days at the school in Bali come back to me, playing the drum, singing, crying, healing myself. I order one online even though I'd told myself I'd only ever get one in person, touching it, feeling its energy first. I say okay. Let it be this way too. It's coming, my baby drum. Whenever my heart tightens, I strike the mallet. The tightness inside me seems to loosen, to dissolve, with every beat, every sound.

Then I say I'll work in the womb space. I look into trainings and so on. I can't find the strength to begin or anything resonates.

Then today, our paths cross with the world's sweetheart, Görkem. After 1.5 years, women's healing and the drum finally meet in this space. All at once, cycles, womb, drum, rhythm, sound, movement, the elements, they all find their place here, together.

What seemed like it hadn't happened, wasn't going to happen, looked like it wasn't moving turned out, with surprises, to happen exactly when it was meant to. I am in the days I intended to let go, and the days, the months :) So, once I let go something, the space left is being filled with the beauty of life. I am grateful for that. This was also such a day.

I was going to write you a quick story post, and look what came out instead. I think I've just lived through the hardest 1.5 years of my life. In this process, I learned a little more about what letting go actually means. Sometimes it meant letting go of suppressing my feelings, letting go of holding back words that wanted to come out, letting go of pretending I was fine. or letting go of old habits.

Let go? Everyone throws around such polished-sounding advice about it. Surrender. Let go. Okay, but how? Honestly, it never meant much to me either. So what am I supposed to do, just sit here like this? Have I surrendered now? Look, I'm sitting here. Life, I've stopped I'm on the couch, I'm surrendering, go on then, show me your magic. Of course it wasn't quite that simple. It was a state of noticing, step by step; embodying, step by step; and letting go, step by step. I think this is enough for today. These parts can come in the next post.